Ask Any: Granddaughter’s middle name leaves gram out
I was deeply hurt. And I don’t think my husband would have been happy with the way the baby girl is saddled with a very awkward masculine male middle name.
I’ve expressed my thoughts to my daughter but she is sticking with the middle names.
My late-husband died when she was in her early teens and our relationship, which had been very good, soured. After that, nothing I did was right.
I was a loving and devoted mother to her and hoped she would realize that, especially after she had a child of her own. But I don’t see that happening and I’m thinking of simply fading out of my daughter’s life. I don’t think she would miss me and, at this point, vice versa. My second husband’s daughter and grandchildren love me. Rather than beating my head against a brick wall, I think I’d rather devote my energy to having a relationship with people who appreciate me. My only reservation is that my natural granddaughter will miss out on having a relationship.
— What’s in a name?
Dear What’s: To begin with, I was “saddled” with a strong surly, masculine man’s middle name, and the damage has been minimal, I assure you. Your grandchild will be fine, too, but will you be OK never spending time with her?
I get that you feel left out, but you’re missing the big picture here: You have the ability to be present for this child; your late husband does not. Think about it...
Consider that your daughter wasn’t trying to snub you, but honor the grandparent that her child will never get to meet.
Try to put your hurt feelings aside, and do not punish your grandchild for the difficulties you’ve endured with her mother. Just be present, loving, and let the name issue go. You and your daughter may yet find common ground through this new little girl. I hope you will try harder to understand her motivations, and view this new generation as an opportunity to start over. Try walking a mile in her shoes to start...
Dear Amy: At school I am being ignored by my friends because of the new kids that they have crushes on. They hang outside of school without me and boys are all they talk about! Because of this, I’m currently ignoring them. I’m cutting them from my life. I have unfollowed them on all my social media. It’s sad that they don’t even care. What do I do now?
— Dissed friend
Dear Dissed: Kids — and adults — grow and change at different rates. Some never quite grow up. Growing up however, is mandatory, maturity however - is not.
Your friends seem to have entered the crush zone, and — if you’re not into that — they’re going to ignore you, and also be pretty boring to be around, anyway...
Your friends may feel like they can’t approach you after you cut ties with them. They might not know why you’ve done this. Have you tried to talk about it? If you try and still feel misunderstood and left out, you should start participating in a new activity — I recommend checking out the drama department at your school.
School plays are where you meet a variety of pretty cool people, but anything that shakes up your routine will do. Whatever you choose to try, just remember quality over quantity: one great friend can make up for 10 wishy-washy ones.
Dear Amy: I was alarmed at your incorrect response to “Driving Me Nuts,” who was concerned about her granddaughter’s “vocal fry.”
As a nationally certificated, credentialed and licensed speech-language pathologist, I have worked with voice disorders for the last 26 years. I can tell you that without a doubt a person using “vocal fry” is performing a form of vocal abuse and can damage the vocal cords in the same way that yelling and screaming can damage vocal cords. Vocal abuse can create vocal nodules and sometimes irreversible voice damage. That grandmother had every right to be alarmed.
— Harriet Snyder, M.S., CCC-SLP
Dear Harriet: My reading showed conflicting professional opinions on this. One thing everyone seems to agree about is that vocal fry is annoying.
My advice to this grandmother, however, was that this is not her problem to try and fix.
Dear Amy: My teen daughter is lovely. She has a group of friends who seem lovely, as well, with one problem. My daughter is the only one who organizes, plans and invites the group to movies, skating, over to our home, etc. She does the calling and arranging of the event(s) and it is extremely rare that she receives a reciprocal invitation. This has been going on for years.
My response is that she should stop the organizing, planning/inviting. She thinks someday things will turn around. But like I said it’s been years. I am the mom to pick them up/drop them off, etc. I ask if others can contribute, and am given excuses as to why the other parents cannot.
Any advice? I just want some reciprocation.
— Tired Mom
Dear Tired: Many teenage friend groups have a dynamic similar to your daughter’s, where one individual is basically the social director or social engine the group runs on. Please understand that your daughter is both skilled at event planning and lucky. Many teens do not have the social confidence, ability or parental participation to successfully plan anything. You’re the mom who is available — and tolerated. You’re that mom... yes, THAT mom, and your house is THAT house — the house where kids feel comfortable.
Unless your daughter feels marginalized, ignored, discounted or dominated by this friend group she is providing for, I hope you will continue to participate. This life-phase is so short. Those times playing chauffeur are when you as a parent get a very rare glimpse into the sometimes mysterious double life or social life of your teen.
Contact other parents directly — not through their kids — and ask them to do some driving or something. Also, if these teens are old enough to go on outings alone, then they are old enough to catch a bus or subway train. If you are lucky enough to live in an area with public transportation, they should be using it.
Dear Amy: Two years ago, when my (male) cousin was engaged, I attended his fiancée’s bridal shower. The shower was lovely and the bride’s registry was extravagant (to say the least). Nonetheless, I gave a generous gift and attended happily.
A few months later I went to their wedding. My husband and I gave a thoughtful gift.
Months went by and no one received a thank you for either event!
Not sending a thank you is bad enough, but she had such an expensive registry (summer and winter china?!).
Fast-forward to today. My cousin’s wife is now pregnant and I have received a baby shower invitation. I am tempted to not attend because I will be angry about not receiving a thank you. However, my aunt (this cousin’s mother) was so generous and lovely when my children were born that I would feel guilty not attending.
Should I go and give a small gift, or give an excuse and not attend? Maybe I should include a self-addressed thank you card along with my gift?
— Snubbed cousin
Dear Snubbed: This is an all-too-common problem, nowadays. However, I’d like to point out that while you are fixated on their rudeness, including a passive-aggressive thank-you card with a shower gift is also rude, and hanging onto a penny-anny grudge for two years is a bit impolite, too, not to mention unhealthy.
Yes, this couple was thoughtless, and rude but you do not have to be. You should contact them via email and say, “I’m embarrassed to ask this, but did you ever get your ‘thank you’s’ out after your engagement and wedding? If so, we never received them. Honestly, that has hurt my feelings. These landmark occasions are so important, for a family and it's members and being thanked for giving a gift, especially an extravagant gift closes the circle for the people who celebrate with you.” This is a polite and honest nudge. Do not tie it to the baby shower.
If you can attend this shower and still be cordial and polite to this couple, then do so, and give them a small gift like you had planned — without the self-addressed note, pls. If you think that you are incapable of being polite at this shower, then definitely stay home.
Dear Amy: “Driving me Nuts” wrote about how much “vocal fry” bothered her.
I’m a court reporter and I take down testimony and hear different speech patterns every day. Vocal fry is one of the worst sounds that reporters complain about the most.
Not only does it sound awful, people who think this is attractive and use it are swallowing the ends of their sentences.
— Out of Order
Dear Out of Order: There has been a huge response to this letter, and AGAIN the verdict is in: Everyone hates “vocal fry.”
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