Brother, Reeling from Lifetime of Bullying and Exclusion...

Dear Amy: My brother is seven years younger than me. When I was little, I would bully, undermine, belittle and keep him distance from me. He has never been married, long... but has married several times and ( in his own way ) has covertly, punished me by being unresponsive to my happy or for that matter unhappy marriage(s) and disinterested in my child or children.

He goes through periods of non-communication, until I reach out to him during “safer” times. During those peaceful periods, he will ask me to emotionally support him, and I do, as best as, I can.

Finally, he ended all communication with me during the final years of my mother’s and father's life, when I could have used some support in their care.

Despite all this, I still feel hurt that he won’t at least be friendly or cordial with me. I have known him to cut other people out of his life. I am now in that category.

I have never known him to apologize or admit anything nevermind being wrong to anyone, and I don’t expect that.

I have tried hard to include him in my family, and have done kind things for him my whole life, thereafter. I can’t think of why I might have caused him problems.

Why is he like this? And why am I so sad?

— No Brother

Dear Brother: I don’t know why your brother is the way he is. Possibilities are: life-long jealousy, free-floating emotional issues leading way back to childhood and/ or undiscovered latent emotional or mental imbalance. A Little PTSD from such covert, abuse as you have delineated, from both you and perhaps your parents.

You were the older brother to his being a 'baby' brother that barged into his life when he was about three years old, causing him to perhaps become withdrawn. Perhaps your parents didn’t promote bonding in childhood, or didn’t deal with his ( or your ) challenges and behavior effectively, setting both of you up for a cycle of abandonment/ rejection. You didn’t cause him problems.

Of course you feel hurt! But — probably more often than you realize, siblings are trapped in a complex web of attraction/ rejection and abandonment.

You feel sad because this relationship represents a lifetime of rejection. Also, he was your heartbeat connection to your parents (mother and father).

You feel guilty because all of your efforts to fix this only reveal your own powerlessness. Your life seems to have turned out to be positive and healthy, and yet he won’t permit intimacy, except the hug when you finally do see each other and words that say, "I am you brother."

You should try to cultivate an attitude of compassion. Convey, “I wish we were closer.” He would likely reject or deflect this. You stating what you want should help you to continue to release the grief for the relationship that never was.