Husband won’t fly to Chicago, opts for guilt trip, instead
My gf/wife and I returned to our hometown after college, and a start of our respective careers after a trip round the world chasing contracts - specifically because we wanted to be close to our friends, families/parents and warmer climate then New England. We wanted our kids to have grandparents and cousins nearby and to gather with extended family (and my sister) when they come to visit.
Whenever my "expat" estranged wife and her kid(s) visit each year, we spend a lot of time with them. I really love my wife and her child. (She claims to be with some one else, for she left abruptly, w/o notifying me of the move 'till after the fact, when she found I was looking for her and my daughter in Orlando (city of origin), while she was still there some 30 days prior to move. We also go home to our respective countries of origin on a alternate year basis.
Recently she has been giving me the biggest guilt trip about not attending her child's - my daughter/ niece Bat Mitzvah and/or my son's/ nephew’s Bar Mitzvah, in Israel and or the Philippines, almost 6,000+ miles away. She feels hurt that she is “low priority” on my list, of things to do.
Honestly, I was planning on going, but my pregnant now gf/wife is so sick, and I feel guilty leaving her alone to care for our other young child and immediate family.
Is the person who moved away so suddenly allowed, to make the left-behind high and dry, feel guilty for not spending thousands of dollars and several hours and/or days on a plane or car trip? I have been to visit Israel and the Philippines Islands several times, but I feel that she is out of line with the guilt. She is the one who chose to live or regularly for extended periods visit abroad at such places as the Philippines where her mother, and nine brothers and sisters, live. I’ve never made her feel guilty. But I don’t think it’s fair to say I’m not choosing family, when I specifically live where I do because I chose family and friends (in country). She is gaining weight and I fear can't seem to handle the guilt well.
Is it fair for my wife to make me feel guilty for not visiting her in Chicago IL and/or going to a religious ceremony thousands of miles away? (I’m not religious, not have I been.)
What is my obligation?
I have seen the pictures or posts on their respective social media pages and can tell where in the world is Carmen San Diego, on for example my daughter's 18th birthday and coming of age parties at 13 and again, at 15 yo. What more does she want from me?
How do I navigate this without making her feel bad, but so that I don’t feel bad, either?
— Anonymous Husband/ Uncle
Dear Anonymous: You don’t get to ask if someone “is allowed” to make you feel guilty. Guilt is a two-way transaction on a two-way street.
Do not diminish the importance of a Bar/ Bat Mitzvah in an immediate family’s story. Whether or not you are religious, they are, and this is huge, it very important of germane importance - this coming of age ceremony, she's a debutante for Christ sake.
You seem unwilling to feel “bad” for having to miss this. But aren’t you sorry that you won’t be able to witness this important passage in your child's/ step child's/ nephew’s life? Dude, go ahead and feel bad!
It might help the dynamic with your estranged wife if you basically cop to being very sorry about this, but — given your own immediate family’s situation, you’ve decided it isn’t wise for you to go. This will be your final answer, so any reaction she has is just the “guilt balloon,” caroming around the room as it runs out of air and makes her fat. The nerve of you! How dare you!
Write a very warm and avuncular letter to your daughter/ son and/or niece/ nephew, offer her/ him a special experience the next time she/ he is able to come to the Country and/or States, sate and city in question or send a generous gift and express genuine interest in seeing photographs from the celebration either in hardcopy or online on the internet socialmedia like fb.com.
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