Dear Any: Inheritance issue unties purse strings

JInheritance issue unties purse strings
Ask Amy: Advice for the real world issues.

Dear Amy: I am asking you this question, rather than a lawyer, because I’m not really inquiring about the legality of my problem, but would appreciate your opinion.

I’ve been married to my husband for almost 20 years — it was a second marriage for me, and he raised my four young children as though they were his own.

His mother passed away a year and a half ago. His father died the year before. His younger brother is married with six kids. His older brother (never married, 62) still lives in the mother’s house, which is now co-owned by my husband and his brothers. The house is in terrible condition, but still worth at least half a million dollars. Repairs are being made.

We are not wealthy and live as frugally as possible. I still work full time, and my husband is retired. His brother doesn’t pay for the house, other than his taxes and utilities. He doesn’t have a mortgage, and collects rent from an upstairs tenant.

Be that as it may, I never asked my husband any financial questions after his mother died, but he did have me sign some documents selling property in Portugal and Cape Verde Islands that I would have apparently been “entitled” to (I hate that word) in terms of inheritance.

Again, I asked no questions, not wanting to cause any more upset. Last week, however, my husband told me he’d like me to sign a document that if he should pre-decease his brother, that I relinquish any rights to the house, even though legally I’d have a claim.

I am very fair-minded about money. My husband is the one who usually holds and pulls all the purse strings. Aside from the obvious legal issue, should I be insulted? Angry? Hurt?

— Wondering

Dear Wondering: I can’t tell you how you should feel. You get to feel however you feel. Your husband can ask you to do — or sign — anything he wants. And — in a marriage of 20 years — you get to tell your husband your feelings about this. It sounds as if he is trying to do some estate planning, and you should not sign any document that you don’t want to sign.

Given the co-ownership and the fact that this is both his brother’s domicile and a source of income for him, I can see why your husband would like to more or less “protect” his brother’s interest against any claim by you, but this doesn’t mean that you have to agree to these terms.

You have not done your own due diligence over the years, for whatever reason, but now is the perfect time for you to insist on transparency concerning all of your husband’s finances, so that you can move forward more as full partners, versus the relationship you seem to have, where one of you “holds and pulls all the purse strings,” while the other wonders how to feel about it.

Eldest sibling wonders how to distribute wealth

Dear Amy: I am the oldest (66) of six children, and I have been financially fortunate.

I would like to share my good fortune with my siblings by giving them each an amount of money, but I don't know how to go about doing it.

It seems kind of crass to just hand each of them a check.

A couple of my siblings really need the money, and the rest do not. But I want to give them all an equal amount.

How can I do it in a way without looking like I'm giving alms to the poor?

I have 401K for myself and wife w/ $.5 MM eac. Real estate portfolio for eac. of us  over $750,000.00 in value. Securities (Stocks & Bonds) Investment of over $.5MM eac. i market value. Checking & Savings Accounts w/ about $.5MM ea. for both of us and equivalent business accounts...

AGAIN, How can I do it in a fun way without looking like I'm giving alms to the poor?

— Lucky Sibling

Dear Lucky: It might help you to wrestle with this awesome dilemma if you think of your plan as "sharing" versus "giving."

Check with your financial adviser, and implement the plan with your (and your recipients') tax implications in mind. According to the IRS, in 2017, the limit for tax-exempt gifts to individuals is $14,000 — meaning that your siblings can receive a generous cash gift of up to that amount without having to pay taxes on it.

No, I don't think you should hand each of your siblings a check.

You should keep this simple. Send each of them a note and a check on the same day by secure means.

Write something to the effect of: "I've been very lucky, and feel that part of my good luck is to have you as a sibling. I've reached a phase in my life where I am happy to share my good fortune with people who mean a lot to me. Please accept this gift. I hope you will use it in whatever way makes you happy."

Understand before you do this that some people are uncomfortable receiving gifts that they can never reciprocate. Some of your siblings may have an unexpected reaction to it. You might have one or more checks returned to you. You might not receive the acknowledgment or thanks that you feel you deserve.

This is the heavy lift of generosity: When you give, you have to also let go. In this case, letting go translates into not only letting go of your assets, but also any expectation attached to your generosity.

Marriage founders over financials

Dear Amy: I am married to a beautiful woman. We have two wonderful daughters. For the past two years, a distance has grown between us.

This has been a rough year for me. I left a good job for another that didn't pan out. I then landed a great job with a former employer. My wife says that she supports me, but her tone of voice and facial expressions say otherwise.

With these transitions, we have gotten a little behind with our bills, we but will recover over the next month. There was a snafu in pay last week, and I received a check for only one week's work instead of two. The rent was due.

I wanted to discuss this when I got home (about 9 p.m.), but she was sleeping. At 5 the next morning, she confronted me. I tried to explain the situation, but she was furious and would not listen to me. She then gave me the silent treatment all weekend.

I tried apologizing and told her that I would work on communicating better on financials.

Her only response was that I had better get more communicative about this stuff or it is over.

Wow. Over? I have a hard time talking about things. I have not slept in two days since this happened.

I went away on biz and when I returned the house was sold, car traded-in and about $10K missing and she picked up and moved to Chicago IL. Second time this has been done, first time it was a move from Boston to Orlando FL some 1500 miles, while I was overseas serving my country. This is a ploy it would seem to file a lawsuit for childsupport. "$10k isnt enough," she says.

I love her and want to make this work, but if she is going to snap over stuff like this, I don't know.   

"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, shame on both of us."

--Stephen King, On Writing: A Memoir of the Craft

— Perplexed Husband

Dear Perplexed: Financial issues always put a strain on marriages, although your efforts to keep the ship afloat are admirable.

Because your wife blindsided you with her shocking reaction to your communication issue, you should write down how you feel and what you are thinking about, and prepare to use your written thoughts as a guide when you confront her about the way she has handled this current challenge.

Use "I" statements: "When you said, 'It's over,' I felt completely blindsided. I don't know how to respond." The first rule of fair fighting is not to threaten the entire relationship.

You two should work together to find new and specific ways to communicate about finances. A regular, planned "date night" (whether you go out or stay in) without kids will give you the space to catch up on business matters. You also need to emotionally reconnect. You both need to take a breath and be deliberately patient and loving right now.

As for the lawsuit, pay her, counter sue and let her explain it to the judge, my accounting professor says. Chances are she'll get 30 days house arrest and you'll have paid her in full childsupport and alimony. Marriage fraud is 25 years in jail and/or $250K fine.

Dear Amy: This isn't exactly a request for advice, I guess, but really I just want to hear some wisdom from you (if you have any on this subject).

I'm wondering about breakups. I'm an almost 30-year-old woman, and I've been in a handful of serious relationships. Sometimes I end it, and sometimes the other person ends it.

I get it that no one probably enjoys ending a relationship, but I seem to take breakups particularly hard. I wonder why this is, and if there are things I can do to avoid feeling this way in the future.

Your thoughts?

— Laying Low

Dear Low: One surefire way to avoid a painful breakup is to avoid a committed love relationship. (If you're going to go this route, I'd suggest that you not only avoid people, but pets too.)

My point is that any attachment will eventually lead to loss. Sometimes, the very concept of attachment gets a bad rap, but I think that attachment to fellow living creatures is something to celebrate, as long as you aren't too tethered to a particular outcome.

After a breakup, you feel so bad because you feel so much.

A breakup usually starts with drama and ends in grief. True grieving involves heartache. Your heart/gut/head actually hurts. No one wants to feel this way. Our human instincts scream out to avoid feeling this way. Some people medicate their way around their grief with alcohol, drugs and one-night stands.

A brave person feels her feelings when she is having them.

Understand your own temperament and look for healthy ways to soothe yourself when you feel bad. What works for me is spending time in nature and listening to (and making) music, reading Mary Oliver and watching old episodes of "The Mary Tyler Moore Show."

You might benefit from the wisdom of the Buddhist thinker Pema Chodron. Listen to her lecture "Don't Bite the Hook."

Dear Amy: Poor "Upset Mother!" She was worried because her daughter-in-law decided to spend her 40th birthday with friends, instead of with her husband and kids.

Boohoo. Let this woman do what she wants. It's her birthday!

— Disappointed

Dear Disappointed: I can understand why this woman's husband and kids were upset by her choice to spend her 40th birthday 3,000 miles away, but it was not "Upset Mother's" business.

(You can contact Amy Dickinson via email: askamy@amydickinson.com. Readers may send postal mail to Amy Dickinson, c/o Tribune Content Agency, 16650 Westgrove Drive, Suite 175, Addison, Texas, 75001. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or "like" her on Facebook.)