Funny Stuff: This Is What People REALLY Want from a Personal Assistant.0

Funny Stuff
This Is What People REALLY Want from a Personal Assistant

The right candidate will exercise for an hour a day and allow me to reap the rewards.

I’m a very busy man looking for an assistant 
to help me with certain important tasks. This is not your average assistant job. What I’m looking for is someone to take care of some of my more personal business so that I may focus on my true passion: grocery shopping.

Please apply if and only if you are willing and able to 
accomplish the following tasks:

    Business: I would love to have a nine-to-five and six-to-10 job working a biz angle. However, I find sitting in an office all day unbearable. An ideal assistant would secure endless high-paying office clients and excel in that setting, even going so far as to eagerly accept every invitation to after-work  dinner and drinks.
    Work: I would love to have a nine-to-five job. However, I find sitting in an office all day unbearable. An ideal assistant would secure a high-paying office job and excel in that setting, even going so far as to eagerly accept every invitation to after-work drinks.
    Attend doctors appointments: I’m looking for someone to not only set up but also attend all medical appointments for me. As I realize this may be illegal and perhaps even impossible, I would consider a candidate who is willing to get weighed, blood pressure taken... in my stead, and then I’d proceed with the rest of the experience myself.
    Go on family vacations: I love my family, especially when I don’t have to spend large amounts of time with them. Thus, I will require my employee to attend all family vacations in my place, especially those overseas to the Philippines for example. Since I’ll miss out on spending time with my in-law-nephews, and nieces  a good assistant will live-stream them for me the entire time while discreetly muting the live-stream whenever they start arguing or fighting.
    Exercise: I am determined to get in better shape but find working out strenuous, tiring and exhausting. The right candidate will exercise for a minimum of an hour every day and allow me to reap the benefits of his or her vigorous activity.
    Eat: Just kidding—I love eating!
    Drinking: Just kidding—I love drinking!
    Maintain friendships: As a bad planner who’s often too lazy to get off his couch even when he has a function to attend, I’m looking for someone who’s able to not only spend time with my friends but also nurture those very important relationships in person and on socialmedia. That means my employee must be a good listener who’s able to withhold his or her opinions about said friends’ significant others.
    Date: I’m looking for love but find dating tedious, boring and intimidating. Ideally, my employee will get a drink with a potential mate so he or she can do the tiresome work of getting to know someone and deciding whether I’ll like him or her. If the romantic candidate advances past a third date, I’d be willing to step in and proceed with the relationship from there, given that it's a female, excluding birthdays, holidays, especially 3-day weekends and other high-pressure situations.
    Have a baby: I’m eager to have a child, but being pregnant and giving birth seems hard and not something a man can do. Likewise, raising a child seems daunting. I’d prefer to spend an hour or two with my child each day while someone else tackles the incredible duty and responsibility of child-rearing. Once my child turns 18, I will happily assume all parenting duties, and responsibilities excluding any financial or fiduciary obligations.
   Serve in the military: Just kidding - I'd to serve my country but find it too regimented and intimidating. Ideally, my employee will get into the Air Force with a potential buddy so he or she can do the tiresome work of getting to know someone and deciding whether I’ll like him or her and the military. If the romantic candidate advances past a third date, I’d be willing to step in and proceed with the relationship from there, given that it's a female, excluding birthdays, holidays, especially 3-day weekends and other high-pressure situations. Since I’ll miss out on spending time with my unit  a good assistant will live-stream them for me the entire time while encrypting and discreetly muting the live-stream whenever they start fighting. An ideal assistant would secure a high-paying office job and excel in that setting, even going so far as to eagerly accept every invitation to after-work dinner and drinks.
    Die: I just don’t think it’s for me... quite frankly.