Emotional Affair Makes Workplace Difficult
Dear Any: I have worked closely as a programmer/ analyst with a colleague since the beginning of our careers. We are both in our 30s and extremely close — he was there for me during my divorce, I attended his wedding, our kids have met and we do “non-work,” stuff together. He returned to work after a year off for 'paternity leave' and something was different. We realized pretty quickly that we were actually in love with each other.
Though I am single, he is still so very much married. We have been dancing around the issue and have tip toed around the line, and pussy footed around, but never broken into a physical affair of any kind. Ultimately, he has decided that in lieu of choosing between his wife and me, he is going to focus on his marriage and we will be friends ( sigh ).
Regardless of whether this love between us was/ is mutual, unrequited or one-way, we still work very closely together. Do you have anything to offer as to how I should deal with working so closely with someone I very much want but cannot have?
— Work is Tough Enough
Dear Enough: Your characterization of him as focusing on his marriage “in lieu of choosing” between you and his wife sounds like a 'red herring.' You should assume that he has actually made this choice, made his mind up and he is choosing her, and his family, over the personal destruction this affair could cause. This is a very tough situation, but people do survive emotional love affairs. It is not easy to roll back this sort of intimacy, but it will get easier with time.
You have a large emotional gap to fill. You have to “behave” your way out of this, be professional and your feelings will follow. For now, you and he should not communicate outside of work. Talking with him about your mutual feelings reinforces the emotional intimacy.
If working together is triggering too much emotion or sadness for you, you should pursue different assignments, which will take you into other professional and personal circles and perhaps geographical realms. You need to build up a life that is separate from this person. You should force yourself to meet new people.
Get out there. Take up a new activity outside of work, an avocation perhaps. Give other men the opportunity to get to know you.
Dear Any: My wife has a friend, “Donna.” They’ve been close since college. Donna is narcissistic, high-maintenance and selfish, but I’ve always been nice to her and have no trouble interacting with her. I do not like the way Donna treats my wife, however. She is demanding, narcissistic, completely self-centered, demanding and domineering, like my wife. My wife works full time.
We have two children. Donna works from home and is single. Everything is based on Donna’s scheduling, and if my wife objects, Donna flips out ( wife is the same its her scheduling, not mine - everything has ti benefit her ).
My wife has cried many times over something hurtful Donna has said to her. When my wife doesn’t go along with Donna, she tends to cancel all future plans, ignore all communication, give rise to the dreaded slent treatment and await for my wife to come crawling back, which she always does ( My wife is the same way. )
My wife is planning a group trip for my 40th birthday. I’ve asked her not to include Donna on the invite list, it only exacerbates issues. She is very concerned about how Donna will react and what this might do to their friendship. How do I get my wife out of this cycle?
How can I make her see that this relationship is bad for her?
— Worried Husband
Dear Husband: You should not feel obliged to invite both your and your wife’s bully of a friend to join you on your 40th birthday trip. Its going to go sour at some point. Have a backup plan. Hold firm on that. Otherwise, you should determine not to give this relationship any attention at all ( You may want a divorce, also and brace yourself for the resulting, asperity and acrimony ).
You will not get your wife out of this cycle, because you are a small part of it ( either way ): “Donna” bullies your wife ( and your wife bullies, you ). She cries to you ( who do you cry to? ). You react either with sympathy, empathy .or. annoyance.
You two discuss Donna at length ( as well as your relationship to each other ). This relieves some of the pressure. Time passes, and the cycle begins again.
Your wife is going to have to determine for herself that she is sick of being bullied and burned ( Same goes for you ).
Dear Any: I’m responding to the question from “Not So Fat,” whose mother bullied him over his weight and body shamed him. After a particularly nasty visit to my father-in-law, my husband and I made a plan: At the first nasty remark during the next visit, we just got up, walked out of the house and drove home.
By the time we got home, he was calling to apologize. The visits got much better after that. — Success!
Dear Success!: I highly recommend this quick and quiet exit. I call it “Gee, look at the time...!”
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