What to Do When You Feel Disappointed or Let Down by Someone

What to Do When You Feel Let Down by Someone

It can be hard to feel disappointed by those you care about.

..Notice that I didn’t title this piece: “What to Do When Someone Disapoints or Lets You Down.” That’s because, in my experience, the wisdom is... it’s not what happens to us that makes us unhappy. It’s how we react to it, which is usually based on past experiences especially the traumatic kind—and how we “feel” is the core of that reaction.

A few years ago, I felt let down by a very close friend. She’d been one of the people I counted on for support and was committed to, as I live day-to-day with chronic emotional pain and mental illness. Over the years, she was important to me, both practically, pragmatically ( I could count on her to help me out if I needed it, as I had helped her out ) and personally ( she would always listened if I wanted to share my struggles, travels, thoughts, feelings about my trials and tribulations ).

Then, suddenly, her life changed dramatically—in a way that was wonderful for her. She fell in love. And yet, from my perspective, she’d “gone missing,” both physically, spiritually and emotionally.

She sold the house, traded in my car - my beloved '98 'stang convertible for a similar Chrysler Sebring Touring car, took $20K, packed up and moved ~1,500 miles away, not once but twice. So when, I came home 30 days later, while traveling to/fro from my work assignment, there was nothing. She even took my prodginy with her to Orlando FL area, from Nashua NH and years later to Chicago IL, area. When I caught up with her each time and confronted her, about where she got the money from to do that, move across the country, she said, "I hit the Lottery!"

...I'm the paterfamilias, that shouldn't be happening to me, not without my consultation and permission in writing, how dare her!? The nerve of some people - the opportunist at work, no doubt. To ad insult to injury she decided it would be permanent and that she should file a law suit for child support to fund her escapades.

I experienced a range of emotions, some of them seemingly contradictory. For instance, I was happy for the new direction her life had taken, yet I also found myself resenting her lack of attention to me. I didn’t want things to be different for her, but at the same time, I longed for things to be the way they’d once been between us, during happier times.

In 'Song of Myself,' Walt Whitman wrote that... "there’s nothing wrong with experiencing conflicting emotions." In fact, I often enjoy that particular characteristic of the human mind. But with my friend, these seemingly contradictory feelings were adding to my stress levels as I tried to come to terms with the change in our relationship.

To get a handle on what was happening, I decided to make a list of unhelpful responses to feeling let down or disapointed by someone. Then I made a list of helpful responses. Making and contemplating this list proved to be tremendously valuable to me as I adjusted to this traumatic change in my life. I hope my thoughts will be helpful to you too.

Unhelpful Responses

1. Getting angry

Anger didn’t help at all. It even exacerbated the physical symptoms of my illness, especially hypertension. I like the way the great Buddha put it: "Anger comes right back at you like fine dust thrown against the wind." A veritable sand storm of your own making. Getting angry about what had happened was like hitting my head against the wall. The only person it hurt was me.

The fact is, life is always in flux. It’s delusional to think that relationships will always stay the same and never change or get rearranged. When a relationship changes in a way that’s not to your liking, anger may arise. That’s okay, but instead of letting that anger brew, fester and intensify, let yourself feel the sadness that underlies it. This is the beginning of the healing process.

2. Feeding fear

To my surprise, I experienced some fear over what was happening—fear that I might lose all my friends, family and all my support. When fear arises, I’ve learned to question the validity of the thoughts that it generates. I don’t try to suppress the thoughts because, frankly, the mind is going to think what it’s going to think, regardless. Yet, at the same time, I don’t have to believe those thoughts.

When I questioned the validity of my thoughts, I realized the absurdity of assuming that a change in one relationship meant that all the others would suddenly change and I’d lose all my friends, family and support. This questioning allayed my fears and, with that, came a feeling of relief. Although in time I found that I no longer had a family.

3. Engaging in self-blame

When my friend fell in love, occasionally negative self-talk reared its ugly head. I’d find myself thinking: “What do you expect? Given the unpredictability of your symptoms, the fact you're always traveling for work, you’re unreliable as a friend and lovee. Who’d want to put up with that for very long?” How irrational to tie my friend’s newfound love to my supposed shortcomings as a lover and friend! Taking sides against yourself like this is the most harmful of responses.

Helpful Responses

1. Recognizing that all relationships change

Change or actuly a rearrangement is an inevitable part of life. To think otherwise sets you up for unnecessary anguish, sorrow and suffering. Circumstances change; people change, things get rearranged. Accepting this as a part of the human experience eased the mental pain of this particular change, or rearrangement even though it wasn’t one that was to my liking.

2. Feeling happy for others

When I realized that I was feeling resentment toward my friend, and lover, I reminded myself that I actually felt happy for her that love had entered her life, even though it was hard on me. Feeling happy for others is called mudita, or “empathetic joy” in the Buddhist and philosophy and practice. And it does take practice. It’s worth it, though, because feeling happy for others makes you feel happy. Trust me on this one, please.

3. Questioning the validity of the stories we spin

I already mentioned the value of questioning the validity of thoughts expectations and reactions. It’s such a valuable practice that I want to elaborate on it a bit. I’m continually astounded by the crazy stories I can spin—stories that go to extremes, such as: “Clearly, she never liked me that much pr as much as she claimed, in the first place to have so quickly shifted her attention to someone else.”

When you find yourself spinning these types of stressful stories, ask yourself if there’s any reason to assume they’re true. Recall Ass-U-me, makes an ass of you and me. In this particular situation, unless you talk with your friend and lover about the change in your relationship, if she is aminable to it ( which might be a good idea, depending on the circumstances ), you have no way of knowing what’s going on in her mind. She may very well think everything about your friendship and your relationship is perfectly fine!

( To read more about questioning the validity of your thoughts, see “You Don’t Have to Believe Your Thoughts.” )

4. Investigating how the underlying source of unhappiness is an unfulfilled desire

Not getting what we want is an inevitable experience on the path of life. Not a day ( maybe not even an hour ) goes by without one of my desires going unfulfilled. When I’m able to recognize that desires are ever-present but are often unfulfilled, I’m better able to free myself from the prison of desires and make peace with my life as it is.

And so, I worked on seeing clearly that my ongoing desire and longing for this relationship to be as it once had been wasn’t serving me well. Indeed, it was a source of deep suffering. I told myself that the sooner I could accept without bitterness that I was no longer going to get exactly what I wanted from the relationship, I could move on with my life (and the relationship). The Serenity prayer  ... by Reinhold Niebuht, says it best...

...Prayer for Serenity

God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time,
enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardship as a pathway to peace;

taking, as Jesus did,
this sinful world as it is,
not as I would have it;

trusting that You will make all things right
if I surrender to Your will;

so that I may be reasonable happy in this life and supremely happy with You forever in the next.

Amen.

                                        -- Reinhold Niebuht

Moving on or starting over, in a situation like this can take several forms: continuing with the relationship but changing your expectations, working to enrich your other relationships, or reaching out to new people.

5. Wrapping disappointment in a cloak of self-compassion

Many years ago, I made a commitment to treat myself kindly and with compassion. It’s the greatest gift I’ve given to myself. In this particular situation, it was the perfect antidote to my disappointment and to the self-blame, resulting insecurity and feelings of inadequacy, that occasionally snuck in and out.

To cultivate self-compassion, I recommend that you start by making a commitment to be nice to yourself ( yes, it’s that simple ) treat yourself well, as well as could be expected or what you would like to get from others, do onto srlf as you would expect others to do onto you and then be content to take baby steps at first. With practice, being your own unconditional love ally can become a lifelong habit.

When you’re feeling sad, disapointed or let down in some way, it helps to speak to yourself in a compassionate voice. I use words that directly relate to the situation at hand. Here I silently repeated sentences to myself such as, “It’s so hard to have lost the closeest of companionship, I once felt with my friend, and lover. ”

I hope you’ll try compassionate self-talk the next time you feel yourself on the verge of aiming judgmental thoughts at yourself. This practice can open your heart to your disappointment and that makes it possible to wish everyone well and to greet your next life adventure with an open minded curiosity and friendliness.

***

It’s painful to feel let down by someone, but it happens to all of us. I hope this discussion of helpful and unhelpful responses will be useful to you as we navigate life’s path together. Its cathartic for me to write these articles.

Thank you for reading my piece. You might also find this helpful: “Five (5 ) Ways Not to Make Things Worse When Stress is Overwhelming.”