Moving back home brings on hometown hurts

....Ask Any: Moving back home brings on hometown hurts

Dear Amy: Over 12 years ago, when I was a young newlywed, I saw a picture of all my close high school and college friends at a stag party and bridal shower for my best friend forever. Needless to say, I was not invited.

It hurt, and I cut most of these women and men  out of my life because of it. I’m not proud of it. It seemed silly, trivial, immature and embarrassing to 'ghost' them.

I’ve moved several times, and have made wonderful lifelong friends around the world, since then.

Now, as a funny twist of fate, I’m back and living in my small hometown, with mother.

Running into these old friends has brought up this exclusion and the way I’ve in turn 'ghosted' them.

Honestly, in retrospect, I realize that they were really not true friends. True friends are hard to find. Some of them were outright emotionally, sexually and physically abusive,  both overtly and  covertly, at times. Being excluded from the weddings, stag parties and bridal showers was just the straw that broke the camel’s back. My gut was telling me it was time to be done with them. Time to move on and start over.

After running into some of these women and men lately, I’ve received messages from them saying that they "miss me." They wonder what happened and why I’ve kept my distance. Now I am unsure of how to answer.

I have no desire to be friends with these women or men, again. I have filled my life with good, sincere and authentic people now. I don’t want to keep on ignoring them, but I also don’t feel like dredging up the past. I pride myself in that I don't usually look back, being a first born.

How do I respond?

My mother after about 30 days called the cops and had me escorted out of the house, she didn't want me there. Shr foesn't, so my guess is, I reminder her of my late father an abusive man. As she put it, "What are you doing here? I didn't invite you."

My reply was, "I love you too, ma." This is the lady that left me at 3 yeats old and didn't seeher again 'til I was almost 10 yo. She did try to mend fences, she did invite friends and family to visit, both domestic and those who are here from the old country. For example a pair of twins who I belive were cousins who if I remember wanted an affair back in the day, and  are cousins twice removed, a first cousin, another friend who is now married  and some one I used to play with under the plantation coffee trees. Hoping we'd rekindle our relationships and be out of her hair. Rather awkward to say the least.

— Not Missing Them

...Dear Not Missing: If you are brave enough to simply own your truth, then one statement would probably take care of this: “Honestly, I was hurt years ago when I was excluded and ostracized, not invited to Jimmy’s stag party, and as the years have gone by, I’ve pretty much lost interest.”

If you genuinely don’t want to be honest about why you are keeping your distance, then you need only be neighborly and cordial when you see or hear from these people. Cordiality does not imply friendship, nor does it tie you into further contact. If they contact you to say they miss you, you can respond, “Thanks. It’s great to be back home.” If they make a bid for further contact or friendship, you can say, “Thank you, but I don’t think so. I’ve moved on, and it’s all good.” Or "Bless your heart it worked out so well the f irdt time, lets do it again,"  but never make any plans with them.

For example while I was away,  one former significant other from back in the day, tracked me down and contact me via facebook and asked for an eticket, voicing a desire that we should fan the old flames, rekindle our relationship and get together at a choice tourist attraction and that was my response. The first time I had to call the cops and had her escorted out of the house, I didn't want her there any longer. She was the type that takes kindness for weakness and would take advantage of a person - an opportunist, who realized she made a mistake back then.