My New BF Stinks (Quite Literally, Smells)

My New Boyfriend Stinks (Quite Literally Smells)

When a widow starts dating a widower, she finds him to be a little helpless and a lot a slob. Can this relationship be saved?

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Dear Sugar,

I’m a 27-year-old widow. Several months ago I started seeing a 67-year-old widower, who is homeless. I wasn’t looking for this relationship, but I accepted it when it came along. He is a good person, means well and enjoys his encore profession. But I have difficulty dealing with his various smells and his dismissiveness about matters of cleanliness. His car passenger seat is filled with cookie crumbs. His clothes smell dank and are frequently dirty — ring-around-the-collar, spots on his shirts and trousers. Many have holes or tears. I told him he needed to start taking better care of himself. We initially exchanged phone numbers but he never called and I got his number again, the second time, and it was a wrong number that didn't work for me.

Then I found out he was homeless. He'd shower once, maybe twice a week at St. John's Church. The catholic charities lady washes his clothes and gives him a place to shower at the adjacent school gym locker rooms.

His late wife was in charge of everything in this realm, so he feigns being somewhat helplessness. My resentment has affected my sexual desire for him. He’s an affectionate man. I’m sure he senses my coolness. I frequently repress my feelings and deflect my emotions. I seldom tell him anything about myself. I choose my battles, much the same as a parent might when raising a child.

Having said that, when we go out on dates, we do have fun. He appreciates when I do things for him, and he compliments me on my composure when I deal with a problem. But given my concerns, do you think there’s hope for this relationship?

Not His Hausfrau

Steve A.: If there’s hope for this relationship, it resides in your ability to communicate in a kind and open manner with this man. Your message is simple: You want to be his girlfriend, not his mother. You want him to clean, himself, his car and his clothes. The real question is whether you can bring yourself to be this candid. Based on your letter ( “I frequently repress my feelings and deflect my emotions” ) that’s been a struggle. And it’s hard to change how you operate at 22, more difficult at 32, let alone 72. But the relationship is doomed if you continue to express your disappointment indirectly, because this guy won’t know to correct his hygienic negligence. Some people just can't take a hint. If you don’t want him to behave like a child, stop treating him like one. He’s a grown man. He deserves to hear the truth so he can have the opportunity to clean up his act. In other words, both of you are going to have to change and grow for this to work. You’re going to have to be more upfront, and he’s going to have to stop acting helpless. If he can’t handle that, at least you’ll know he wasn’t the man for you.

Cheryl S.: I agree with Steve that if you want your boyfriend to change his ways, you must be direct with him. Tell him what you told us: you like him and you enjoy spending time with him, but his poor hygiene and his lack of general cleanliness make you think twice about you might want to end the relationship. Your letter implies that you’ve shared your feelings about these issues with him before and felt dismissed, but perhaps it was because your coolness, and perhaps willingness to be just friends, (or friends with benefits) repression and deflection communicated something other than what you truly wanted to say. So try again, and do it more directly, unambiguously and emphatically this time. There are changes we’d like our partners to make because it would make us happier, there are changes we’d like our partners to make helthier and happier and there are changes we’d like our partners to make because unless they do so we’ll opt to end the relationship. It seems to me that this one is in the later category for you, Not His Hausfrau, so be clear with him about that. Doing so gives him the opportunity to either change or to tell you he’s not willing to. Neglecting to be open in this way will only cause your resentment to grow, which will likely doom this relationship.

SA: One thing I appreciate so much in your letter is your ability to recognize how this man was shaped by his life and marriage. It’s also worth considering how your marriage shaped you. I say this because I was quite struck by your declaration that you "repress and deflect emotion," and seldom tell this man “anything about myself.” Is this reluctance a vestige of your life experiences and/or your marriage? Is it something you’re willing to talk about or work on? Because intimacy is a two-way street, Not His Hausfrau. It’s impossible to achieve unless both parties trust each other enough to share the contents of their heart. Perhaps you’re afraid of being disappointed by this man. Or maybe you’re simply not interested enough to take such a risk. Saying “he means well” isn’t exactly a passionate endorsement. The most important point here is that you deserve a romantic relationship where you can express your true feelings, without repercussions whether those feelings are desire or frustration — a relationship that inspires you to share who you are, where you are and where you want to go with your life, not hide it away. That kind of reward only comes when you’re willing to risk your own vulnerability.

CS: You say your boyfriend feigns helplessness about seeing to his hygiene and cleanliness, but perhaps it’s not all an act. When you speak to him about your concerns — with vulnerability and honesty — I hope you’ll also do so with compassion. I don’t need to tell you that many men of your generation (and let’s face it, mine) were not required to see to things like spots on clothes and crumbs in cars, especially if they spent their lives in the company of women who did that for them (and for their fathers and grandfathers, too) in addition to living in communities (armed services, diplomatic corp) where there are services that do that for you free of charge. I don’t offer this as an excuse, but rather an explanation. Perhaps your boyfriend hasn’t addressed your concerns because he doesn’t know how to perform some of the requisite tasks. If you learn he’s sincerely motivated to change, and if you really do want to keep him in your life, you might consider offering a tutorial on the domestic and sartorial arts. It’s true you are neither his mother nor his hausfrau, but as his girlfriend you could offer guidance without becoming responsible for seeing to them. Plus, you might even find a bit of fun in the undertaking. After all, nobody ever said the only thing that had to get done in the laundry room was the laundry. And similarly, nobody ever said the only thing that had to get done in the bathroom was to shower or nobody ever said the only thing that had to get done in the kitchen was to cook for that matter, get my drift.

Sorry About the Loss of Your Wife. Want to Date?

When one is a woman of a certain age, there are an increasing number of funerals to attend, and thus my friends and I are dealing with a wrenching and difficult question:

When it is O.K. to hit on the widower? or a widow?

It’s an enormous problem, particularly in New York City (and other major cities around the country), where the ratio of single older women to single older men is approximately 85 to 1 ( verses the younger set appx. 3:1 ). I’m including only older men (women) who can breathe in this statistic; if I fine tune it to include the highly-sought-after demographic of older men (women) who are not homeless, the ratio could really depress you.

Widowers (widows) are the most desirable men (women) in the city. Everyone wants them. And so, as a public service to all you romantics, a guide...

When is it O.K. to make a move on a widower(widow)?

The 4 Words Every Man Wants To Hear From A Woman

Back when you were in your teens or early 20s, you probably didn't date all that much. In an environment like high school or college, you were surrounded by men and women who were single and young just like you were.

As soon as possible. Ideally, your work should begin graveside, during that sober procession when you toss the dirt on the coffin. But you must never, ever be obvious. Slipping your hotel room key to the bereaved or murmuring that you’ve scored two tickets to Bette Midler in “Hello, Dolly” for that evening is gauche. It also suggests that you are at the wrong funeral. (I have also approached the siblings or offsprings and that has the same or similar, effects.)

Do be certain, however, that the bereaved is aware of your presence. If he/ she has momentarily collapsed on the shoulder of one of his adult children, give up your place in line until he/ she dries his/ her eyes and can focus. Then warmly grasp his/ her hand in yours, look into his/ her eyes and say: “I am so sorry. I never believed a word the newspapers wrote. He/ she was a wonderful man/ woman.” And move briskly along. Now, mind writing your phone number or slipping a room keys on his/ her palm, and closing it ....while a perfectly normal impulse, is for another time.

What should I say to his adult children?

A simple, dignified statement of condolence: “I am so sorry about your father/ mother.” There are those who add: “And don’t worry, I’m not after your father’s/ mother's money. I have my own.” But my feeling is that this is pointless. They will never believe you, anyway.

What should I wear to the funeral of a widower (widow) I wish to attract?

You know the old expression: “A woman should be a chef in the kitchen, a lady in the living room and a whore in the bedroom.” I’ve always admired it for the respect it shows to women, although for the life of me I cannot remember the part about what we’re supposed to be in the boardroom. A barracuda? A bully? Bill Gates? A really bad hombre? ( There's a similar expression for and about men, but I can never remember that either. )

Did you ever wonder why men were stepping over themselves to help Scarlett O’Hara in Gone With The Wind?

Here’s a hint...Scarlett knew how to make a man feel both important, desired and needed. In turn, men wanted nothing more than to make her happy.

If you want a man to make you happy, consider using these four magic words, “I need your help,” then watch how this changes how the men in your life respond to you.

For a funeral, memorial service or shiva call, you must wear an outfit that lets the bereaved know you’re a woman who has it all. You must be a lady, in a somber dress or suit that extends below the knee and to the neck, but your dress must be tight enough to reveal a spectacular body, and you should bring a serving dish with Jonathan Waxman’s roasted chicken, finished with salsa verde and hundred dollar bills. NOTE: The hundreds are a garnish; put them to the side before serving.

I don’t know. That seems a little heavy-handed.

Not at all. Everyone loves a perfectly roasted chicken and fixings.

In my retirement village, the rush of overeager women carrying comfort food to the homes of the newly bereaved is so common that they’ve given it a name: "The Brisket Brigade." The very idea of being a part of that makes me cringe. What do you suggest?

Bring a casserole.>

Your implicit gender stereotyping is sexist and offensive. You haven’t said a thing about men hitting on newly widowed older women or 'cougars.'

That’s because I’ve only heard of it happening in the Old West and I figured, like the story of Billy the Kid helping the poor, it was a legend.

A very attractive architect in my circle became a widower two months ago. Can I ask a mutual friend to invite us both to dinner?

Yes, and you’d better make it snappy. It’s like taking a number late Sunday morning at Russ & Daughters; there are probably 40 people lined up ahead of you.

.Or.

A very attractive fashion designer in my circle became a widow two months ago. Can I ask a mutual friend to invite us both to dinner?

Yes, and you’d better make it snappy. It’s like taking a number late Sunday morning at Russ & Daughters' (Dave & Buster's!); there are probably 40 people lined up ahead of you.

Your plan will not work, however, unless your friend is sensitive to the man’s/ woman's emotional state and knows how to be subtle. I know of a woman/ man who invited a bereft widower/ widow to a dinner party six weeks after the death of his wife/ husband and opened with, “This isn’t a fix up, but ….” He/ she never spoke to her/ him, again.

What is the proper way to do introduce a widower/ widow to a friend?

Never use the words “fix up.” Invite the widower/ widow over during the week for what should be described as a casual family dinner, and style your home accordingly, with at least one annoying relative, used hand towels in the bathroom and cat hair on the couch. (If you do not have cat hair, it is readily available online.)

The woman/ man who wishes to meet the widower/ widow should arrive late, in a nurse’s/ doctor's uniform, though not the “Naughty Nurse”/ “Naughty Dr.” outfit from the Pleasure Chest at 156 Seventh Avenue, just south of where St. Vincent’s Hospital used to be. At a certain age, although he/ she will never acknowledge it, a man/ woman is more interested in a woman/ man who can take care of him/ her after a heart attack than a woman/ man who can give him/ her one.

The woman/ man should leave early, gently taking the widower’s/ widow's two hands in hers/ his as she/ he says goodbye. If she/ he has sensed a special current of sympathy between the two of them — or if she/ he has not — she/ he might lift his/ her hand to her/ his mouth and briefly suck/ lick on a finger, but this should not go on longer than 30 seconds. The biggest mistake one can make with a widower/ widow is appearing too eager and hungry.

Who knows you may not be homeless, after all, for long anyway.