Dear Any...

Dear Any: I am a healthy and vibrant mid 40-ish woman in a same-sex consensual union that's fast becoming a "common law marriage," I live at Wheaton Center, just outside of Chicago Illinois. After only about six months of this "marriage," I feel like an old maid.

My "wife" and i have suffered a lot of turmoil, trials and tribulations in a short time, with near death in family, job loss, illness, financial problems and exes trying to come between us.

I understand that these things could cause a rift. However, the rift which is fast becoming a schism comes in the form of my "wife" constantly complaining, condemning, criticizing, bickering and arguing with me, putting me down, otherwise always yelling at me and having a terrible attitude towards me, sometimes for no apparent reason or some made up issue.

I can't ask a single question or make a innocent comment without being verbally rebuked and reprimanded or attacked sometime without provocation, I've talked to my "wife" about this and she doesn't see it.

She makes fun of me when I speak or say she has an "attitude in her voice," telling me that I'm taking thinks to seriously or in the wrong way and I'm being overly sensitive.

She was on the phone with her sister and a cousin the other day and night and I started crying and sobbing uncontrollably because of the way she spoke to her family. She was, very supportive, kind generous, affectionate, loving and sweet softly encouraging and full of love. It seemed that "family is everything," as it is in keeping with her culture as a filipina.

Any, she hasn't spoken to me like that in months!

I feel like as soon as I said, "I do," ... we don't, the vows, oaths were disavowed and all of her promises went out the window. I'm working twice as hard, she doesn't help with any of the household chores, she's very demanding, domineering and I feel like her unappreciated, chauffeur, servant, sex slave and a non-person. And I used to complain to my X-husband about the same, I missed our relationship and missed dearly in comparison, he was more fun and more engaged as a partner in my happiness, placing me first in everything we said and did. I miss what we had, but can't return, since I burned that bridge when I sued him for child support, without merit, just so my "wife" and I can have an income.

Admittedly at times like this I'd take comfort in sucking my thumb. I gave it up when I met my husband at 25 yo. he gave me an alternative to doing that. I'd blow him anytime I needed comfort. I'd lie down horizontally in a prostrate position in from of him with my face sideways, flat on the bed or I'd lie down on the floor in from of him with my face, facing up... plead and beg him to "serve himself" or "help himself." I's take my time, tongue work out and after a half hour or more succeed in relieving him. Sometimes it was so comforting, at night when we went to bed, I'd lock my jaws on it and I'd fall asleep on the job, awaking only to switch sides, if I was tired or had a cramp in my neck, in the morning I'd make sure he was again relieved. I couldn't sleep unless and until I had him so. I'd do it breakfast, lunch and dinner when he was home. I loved fellatio, but I can't do it to my "wife" she doesn't have the tools, necessary. Oh, I miss it so. )

My 19 yo daughter, I had with him wants to know, why is this BFF of mine so bossy? She wants to know, "What is going on here?" She notices, we often go to the bathroom in our house or public restrooms together, go to bed early every night, and go into the bedroom during the days and lock the door for hours on end three times a day at least: shortly before or after... breakfast, lunch and dinner.

When I bring this up, she accuses me of being mentally ill. She says that I need counseling and need to be medicated. She claims she doesn't need counseling along with me, just me is in need. I agree with the counseling but only if we can attend together, as well as separately but I do not have the passive-aggressive personality disorder (but rather, she has) and I am not schizoidal, bi-polar or any other mental illness she accused me of having.

How can I make or encourage her to change something she refuses to see?

- Married Old Maid

Dear Married: You cannot force someone toward change if the don't want to or reuse to recognize the need for change. However, one great thing about competent couples counseling is that skilled counselor can coax and cajole a person toward recognizing the need for change, and can coach a couple on ways to make those necessary changes, that's not to convenient in convenient ways, thru alternatives.

Definitely try counseling. You need an outlet for expressing your feelings, and your "wife" needs a neutral party to bounce off of and reflect back to her how her words, barbs and behavior dents and damages the relationship -- and hurts you.

The behavior you report is abusive and can escalate to violence and needs to stop, cease and desist. If she continues in this vein unabated, then you should consider leaving the "marriage," and possibly mending fences with your X-Husband. Sounds like you had a lot of fun, with you him and his...

Dear Any: I have lifelong buddy in his 60s. He had a few emotional/family/separation/child support lawsuit/divorce issues a decade ago that has carried forward to present day since he basically has checked out of life in general. He stopped maintaining his home and business and let his health go as well. There were years of dysfunctional behavior, a bad diet, a disastrous relationship or two -- all of these things overwhelmed him.

During that period, I listened and offered support and advice.

two years ago, he announced he was going to turn things around, after he survived a minor stroke as a result of stress from his work, as a consultant. he isn't making much progress and is making seriously bad decisions, after quitting his assignment without having another in hand and his wife and daughter walked out on him and move far away without saying anything to that effect.

Luckily, he's somewhat financially secure, with a recent large settlement and inheritance and no major financial worries, perse.

Now our weekly, calls have evolved into hours of him either droning on and on about how hard he's working at finding another assignment and how smart he is to overcome these partially, self-inflicted problems or complaining about how hard it is to get out of a hole he dug.

I recommend a solution, and then asking him not to complain, condemn or criticize.

If I continue to offer advice or provide feedback, he gets mad or hangs up on me. Recently he told me he just wants me to provide emotional support. he wants me to listen and be a sounding board. But his behavior screams: "I need help!"

How do I bite my tongue to support him a guy with a proven history of dysfunction with a know-it-all attitude, who seems unable yo deal with day-t-day life and who lacks the self-awareness to see he's the common denominator in all of his self-inflicted problems?

I want to help but don't want to listen to him complain etc.

--Tired of Listening.

Dear Tired: Your friend is not asking for help. You seems to be perennially tempted to leap in and fix it -- or suggest fixes -- but your suggestions fall upon deaf ears. This infuriates and frustrates you.

Your pal sounds less like a man in need of your help and more like a narcissistic bore. Your interactions seems entirely about him.

If you want to maintain a friendship with him, don't make suggestions. Don't cut him off and tell him to stop complaining. Just don't. Listen without comment, don't engae in any way and then --- when he runs out of gas -- change the subject.