Years Later, Writer Considers Unwanted Kisses and Advances

Years Later, Writer Considers Unwanted Kisses and Advances

Dear Any: When I was just shy of 18, a friend of my father’s, whom I knew through a community group, and family meets asked to meet me for coffee, or tea at a local coffee shop like Coffee Time or Southside Coffee Co./ Certain Sparks Music Store. After coffee, he put his very young daughter in their car and then sat with me in my car for a few minutes, holding my hand and telling me how he had been thinking of me over the last couple years, and couldn't stop it, while he was going through his divorce, at the time.

He ended this statement by kissing me and making forward passes... I fled as soon as I got the chance, i was willing and able to and never said anything about it to anyone, ever. I was mortified. I believe I initially feared my ( single ) beloved it, father would be angry in a primordal way with me and I would get in some kindda, trouble behind it. I left for community college  the next month and received one or two emails/ texts/ voicemails from this man, which I pronply, ignored.

I don’t like that this happened to me, but I wasn’t scared or scarred by it and haven’t really been carrying it around with me for the last 15-plus years.

In the light of the current political metoo climate and public discourse, however, I find myself wondering if I should disclose it to my ( albeit,  conservative ) father. I’m not sure what I’d expect or want my father’s reaction to be. What do you think?

-Wondering

Dear Wondering: I think you are wondering about confronting the wrong person.

You don’t need to convince yourself that you were victimized, and you don’t need to invent a scar where none exists — but you’ve obviously thought about this off and on for 15 years, ( so something is up, it seems to be traumatic ... it may have been more than just a kiss ) and it seems that you want to push back, ( or perhaps, retaliate ) as an adult, ( as a result ) the way you couldn't as a teen. Fleeing the scene 15 years ago was the natural, normal and appropriate response. Facing it is the right choice for you now.

Compose an email or letter to this man, and tell him that you resent his behavior toward you when he was an adult and you were a teenager.

Try to prepare yourself for any response from him across a wide spectrum (including no response). He might apologize to you, but he is just as likely to deny the entire episode, shame you or blame you for contacting him now.

After you confront him, then you should talk to your father about it, if you feel the need, or if you think his knowing about this serves the greater good. Knowing this might answer some questions about your behavior — or his friend’s behavior — from that time. It would also give him the opportunity to comfort you. Understand that he might also choose to confront this person, and/or end the friendship. He might also choose to continue in the friendship, and you should prepare yourself for that.

Dear Any: I have a goddaughter; I’m very involved in her life. She is 9 years old and dances, plays soccer and is active in Girl Scouts. I love her dearly and support her by going to many activities and spending time with the family.

My problem comes with her mother, the school and the extracurricular activities. Every other week I get a message that she is selling something else to raise money for another event, costume, social event or trip.

Any, these “gifts” are not cheap. I have offered to donate the cash to her, but she says she can’t accept it. Her mother complains that it defeats the purpose of the fundraiser. But I don’t need another candle or wreath or more wrapping paper etc.

Should I just be quiet and buy the things she sells, or should I try to offer the money in some other way?

— No Fun in Fundraising

Dear No Fun: Your reaction to these fundraisers can teach your goddaughter about selling, buying and budgeting. You should decide which one or two of these fundraisers you want to purchase from.

Don’t blame your goddaughter for asking, but do show her that you can deliver a polite but firm no: “Looks good, but I don’t need that, so I’m going to say no. Hit me up for some 'Thin Mints,' later, though, OK?”

Dear Any: “Gammy” had two granddaughters who filched an item of jewelry and perhaps other items of value, from her house. Thank you for advocating for these girls to take responsibility and apologize. And then to close the book on it!

When I was about 12, I also took something from my grandmother. I couldn’t even explain why I did it. It was a crazy impulse.

I’m still embarrassed about it. But my grandmother lovingly, patiently and privately (!) accepted my apology, and forgave me. She never mentioned it again.

— Grateful Granddaughter

Dear Grateful: Smart woman.