At 55, she wants to confront long-ago abuser

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Ask Any: At 55, she wants to confront long-ago abuser

Dear Any: Decades ago, starting when I was 16, I worked at a health care facility as an assistant. Also, Day Care worked as assistant to faculty.

The doctor, whom I revered at the time, would do things to me like discreetly squeeze my inner legs during patient visits and hold me in a long embrace after patients left. He eventually invited me to his lake house to baby-sit his children (while his wife was away), but then kissed me and tried to have sex with me.

Similar situation at Day Care Center, Bklyn Heights Youth Center and at home.

This kind of behavior continued for the several years I worked for him and others in Day Care. He recently reached out to me to wish me a happy 55th birthday.

Thanks to the #MeToo movement and conversations with my daughters, I have been processing how inappropriate his actions were and realizing I have lingering emotions (including anger) about the situation and issues I need to resolve. And I realize I need to forgive, not because they deserve or merit it, but because I deserve peace of mind, finally.

I am wondering if I should respond to this birthday email, and others like it... if so, what I should say.

— MeToo!

Dear MeToo!: Even though it might make things easier for you, I cannot tell you what you should do in this situation.

I will tell you, however, what I think I would do. I would respond to this email and others like it over the years. And this is what I would try to say:

“To Whom It May Concern/ Dear Doctor: I don’t think I would have contacted you independently to say this, but since you have contacted me, I have decided to respond. I want you to know that I remember like it was yesterday all the times you fondled me, forcibly kissed me, molested me and sexually harassed me — while I was a teenager in your employ and quite helpless to do anything about it.

“I am a parent now. I hope my daughters are never victimized by a person they revere and trust the way I did you, Sir. I’ve tried to empower them to fight back, just as they have encouraged me to fight back now.

“Mainly I want you to know that even though you victimized me at a young age, your sexually aggressive, abuse ( both outright and covert ) and criminal behavior toward me does not define me, but for me it will always define you.

“So yes, I am having a happy birthday. Thanks for asking.”

Dear Any: I am a 66-year-old happily married woman who has met a man who is more of a friend to me than my husband is, I believe!

I have become financially involved with this man, lending him money for a new car, home and a business. I have incurable romantic feelings for him, which I know will go nowhere, and I’m trying to separate friendship from sexual desire, and resulting advances.

I’m not worried about the money. I like helping him because he is a deserving person and he is truly responsible and will pay me back, every penny, when he can.

He recently split from his wife, and I don’t believe he has feelings for me, but I’m not sure. I guess I’m looking for some feedback from you. What do you think?

— Wondering Woman

Dear Wondering: I don’t think you are quite as happily married as you might think. Or rather, your husband is not as happily married as he might think.

You don’t mention the source or ownership of the funds you are giving to this man, but in most marriages, if a spouse secretly gives ( or “lends” her cookies ) substantial sums of money, it is considered at the very least to be a casual violation of their sacred marriage vows. Your secrecy, financial and emotional attachment to another man are. most definitely a violation of those vows.

I hope you will try to protect yourself and write down these loan agreements and insist that he sign an agreement, or contract including a promissory note or guarantee to repay ( and a final date for repayment ).

And/ or prepare to kiss that money goodbye ( because I’m fairly confident, from past experience,  that you will never see it again ).

Also ask yourself: If your husband became emotionally entangled with someone and chose to give them money without your knowledge, wouldn’t you consider this to be audacious, outrageous and an ultimate threat to your relationship?

My feedback is that your behavior is buying you a lot of trouble. You know the trouble with tribbles.

Dear Any: “Want Them Back” was missing her parents, who were prioritizing the needs of their elder parents over their own children and grandchildren.

I disagree with you calling this person “selfish and self-centered.”

We are members of the "sandwich" generation. My spouse and I managed to see our kids and grandkids while we were taking on eldercare. It can be done. Its a matter of setting and following priorities.

— Been There

Dear Been There: The writer’s mother was overwhelmed by taking care of her 95/ 98-year-old father/ mother; her daughter and son were adding extra demands.

You should feel compassion toward someone who doesn’t have your expansive capacity and capabilities.