Dear Any: Family Exclusion

Dear Amy: I have a wonderful partner. We have been together for three years, plus -own a beautiful home and have a baby on the way.

She came over from the Philippines on a fiance visa and we married inside of 90 days.

My gal’s sister, “Marcia,” is a purported perpetual victim. She is always suffering from one perceived slight of one kind or or another. The world is always out to get her. And she is never at fault.

https://m.facebook.com/joan.dumalag.5

Over a year ago, I made the mistake of asking her, very nicely (and privately), to stop pestering my girlfriend, her sister over a particular issue.

Her "sister" wants to also come to America. However she may prove to be a burden, so my gal has refused sponsorship. My gal has sponsored her 82 yo mother, I'm guessing she's not a burden. The "sister" is fuming.

The niece is also having a baby and we don't know who the father is.

I was kind and empathetic, throughout.

It went poorly. Now, I am a terrible person. She’s told other people in their family that I am the worst person in the world. She has allude unfairly to some that I maybe the father of her nieces baby. ( I am not, just bought her maternity clothes during my last visit. ) She won’t talk to me and will not attend any family event that I am invited to, when I'm in country. This has put others in the position of having to choose between the two of us.This has caused tremendous issues, especially over holidays.

I am not related by blood, and neither is she. She's adopted... so I defer. My partner supports me and would very willingly stay home or in our hotel room with me, or make other plans, in place of spending time with her "sister." But I feel bad, because this is her family, and I feel like I’m keeping her away from family events.

Her immediate family is preturbed since she the "sister" left for Japan in search of her biological parents, apparently her mother is dying amd wants her to take care of her mother's family in her absence, as she's the big sister.

A few months ago, I sent her a PM note asking if we could put this behind us. There has been no response.

Fast forward ...because of financial issues detailed elsewhere on this blog my marriage is on the rocks. The "sister" has approached me to also, help her out and bring her to America.

I basically said,  in the sothern style of wordsmith, "Bless your heart, it went so well the first time, let's do it again."

I'm already a member of the family. I will not repeat my mistake as the sisters are alike both are opportunists.

How do I handle this going forward? I would like to have some unity here, especially with a baby (the first in the family) on the way. I understand that she will never change, but is there any way I can promote some peace, at least?

No Sisterly Love

No Sisterly Love: You are not keeping your gal pal away from family events when you're in the Philippines — her "sister" is. I’m not sure why you feel bad about this when your partner doesn’t, but your bad feelings (and others’) will enable this exclusionary behavior for her as well as you, since you're now estranged.

The one thing you should not have done in the first place, is to insert yourself in the midst of her relationship with her "sister(s)" or for that matter, brother(s). Their relationship is their business — not yours.

You and your partner should ignore this restriction and show up together (and/ or separately) for family events and holidays whenever you want to see her family members. If there is an “invitation only” private family event that you are specifically restricted from, your gal should stay away, too.

You and she should host events for the family and invite everyone (including his sister). Before your child is born, you should invite and include her in any celebratory events her other family members are invited to, such as showers, etc. I'm assuming this has taken place before you "separation." Behave politely toward her, but remain detached and distant from her and hershenanigans.

Dear Amy: Soon I will be going on a four-day road trip with two friends.

I will be doing all of the driving and using my own car. It’s about a 2 1/2 - hour drive each way to and from our destination, with additional driving each day we are there.

This trip will call for more driving than I would normally do by myself, but I’m willing to do this, and also act as a tour guide because I know the area, and they don’t like to drive.

So far, the two friends have talked about paying for gas, which is fine. We are sharing hotel expenses equally.

I want to be fair so that all of us have a good time. We are all financially comfortable.

Is paying for gas enough for a road trip, with one person doing all the driving and using their own car?

The Driver

Driver: To answer the question I think you’re trying to ask, yes — you could probably figure out how much the wear and tear on your car might be worth during this road trip. You could also calculate how much your own time is worth, in terms of you expending the effort of being the driver and “tour guide.”

But one function of a healthy friendship is a person’s willingness to occasionally give, without expectation of compensation or reciprocation. If you cannot extend yourself joyfully, then you should definitely charge these friends more for the trip.

Dear Amy: “Pregnant, But Still Able” insisted on sitting on the floor after a male colleague offered her a seat. It is a shame that she felt compelled to respond to this polite gesture by rudely refusing it.

Distressed

Distressed: The entire issue (a pregnant woman insisting that she NOT be offered a seat in a crowded room) is a reflection of where we are right now. Life is pretty complicated.